Critical/Harsh Parent Position - Strict Rules/Harsh Discipline + Criticism/Seen as Unworthy

In the next installment of our six-part series on Parenting Positions, we’re tackling the critical/harsh parent position. This type of parent has been providing Hollywood with wounded characters for over a hundred years. Who would Iron Man be without his demanding father backstory? Who would Lisel be if she didn’t have to sneak around behind Captain Von Trapp’s back to experience her first crush? What would have happened to Neil Perry’s character in Dead Poet’s Society if his father had listened for once? Unfortunately, in real life, you can’t leave the consequences of this sort of parenting at the movie theater door.

Dead Poets’ Society lead Neil Perry listens to his dad’s commandments about what clubs he will join and how they will affect his future.

 The critical/harsh parent position is typically identified by the parent’s rigid and rule-bound discipline along with a critical view of the child. The child’s weaknesses are treated as flaws and his strengths as a simple fulfillment of what was expected. The parenting posture is cold, lacks understanding and appreciation, and demands compliance. For example, in Iron Man, Tony Stark’s feelings are not typically recognized as meaningful or worthy of attention. In Dead Poet’s Society, Neil Perry’s dad wants obedience and performance. In Sound of Music, any child not meeting expectations is a grave offense, resulting in severe consequences and a general lack of understanding and disregard.

Exposing young people to this sort of harshness, criticism, and coldness has serious psychological consequences. Affection is a driver in most psychological operations. Children need parental affection to fuel self-liking, to facilitate risk taking around developmentally appropriate tasks, and to restore the child's confidence in the face of inevitable disappointment and failure. Positive regard from a parent is a kind of emotional armor, insulating the child from injury and insult, both at home and in the larger world. Without affection, the child will struggle, as she lacks the mature skills and abilities to provide for herself.

The Negative Impact on the Child from the Critical/Harsh Parenting Position =

Child Grows to Be Manipulative

To continue our Hollywood examples, the Reverend Shaw Moores of the world (Footloose) typically view their children as unworthy or deficient. As a parent, if you believe this, you typically feel obligated to intervene and instruct far more than you should. The combination of this dysfunctional view of the child and dysfunctional treatment of the child lead to the development of manipulative behavior in the child (in the case of Footloose, a daughter who pretends to be perfect and sneaks around to do what she wants).

Reverend Shaw yells at his daughter for questioning his authority.

Children respond to critical/harsh parenting in different ways. Many, in this environment, focus on finding ways to meet their own needs, like Ariel Moore, Reverend Moore’s rebellious daughter. In a sense, the child is saying, “If my parent will not provide me with what I need, then I must get it for myself.” Becoming manipulative, or simply becoming proficient at getting what the child needs, can be an accommodation to a barren home life.

Not all children of authoritarian parents react and adapt the same way. One type of child becomes mean and controlling, like Andrew Clark in The Breakfast Club, a bully who flies under the radar. They can be rebellious, oppositional, and preoccupied with exercising power over others.

In The Breakfast Club, athlete Andrew Clark, whose father pushes him to win at all costs, ends up in detention for physically bullying a weaker student in the locker room.

 Another type of child responds in a less socialized manner, becoming aggressive and even unlawful, without much concern for negative consequences. In either case, the child has managed the lack of affection in the home with an emotional immaturity that encourages the development of manipulative strategies that make it difficult—if not impossible—to be emotional close to anyone.

Children and adults who are the product of a critical/harsh parent vary widely. Some children grow up to be adults who harness their well-developed skills of manipulation to succeed in business and in other professional endeavors, amassing great fortunes or power. Despite being disliked by employees and friends, such individuals are generally tolerated because of their influence, persuasiveness, and aggressive leadership. These tyrants are handled carefully by employees and underlings, since crossing them often leads to unpleasant confrontations and negative outcomes.

Gordon Gecko from Wallstreet wasn’t known for his generosity of spirit.

Not every child of the harsh and critical parent grows up to be an adult who obtains a powerful position and bullies subordinates, but they nonetheless show a propensity to take risks, making them prone to white collar crime. They are known for establishing volatile, often aggressive, relationships with others.  

A smaller subset of adult children of the harsh/critical parent resorts to a more passive kind of adaptation, sliding into a settled position of unworthiness and general lack of self-regard while falling victim to depression and lack of productivity. All types suffer from interpersonal difficulties. These individuals are not inclined toward intimacy and affection, seeing people merely as a means to an end. Their lack of empathy in interpersonal relationships interferes with the establishment of meaningful connections, denying them the connection they have always needed.

Luckily, with understanding, comes change. On the silver screen, the harsh dad learns to listen, the tough-as-nails mom changes her ways, and that broken family is mended. That this sort of parent is such a staple in American storytelling speaks to a need in all of us: be better than we are, learn from our mistakes, and grow.

Overcoming the influence of a difficult parent is not easy but possible.  We can all change for the better.  We can give what was not given us. We can love in ways we were not loved.

Know that I’m listening. And remember that we can all reach a potential that our past did not provide for.