Indulgent/Permissive Parent Position

When Terrie moved to town and joined her local parenting group, she was surprised to find so many people sharing stories of difficulties with their child’s behavior. Many of these comments came with groans of dismay and shared stories of restaurant debacles and lost TV privileges. After a few gatherings, Terrie admitted that she never had to set limits for Elizabeth, who was eight years old, and time outs were exceedingly rare.

“I guess she’s just an easy kid,” Terrie said with a shrug.

Although many of the others left that meeting that day green with envy, after they got to know Terrie and her daughter better, the truth came to light. On the playground, when Elizabeth played with children her own age, she often came across as demanding. Her peer group had to play Elizabeth’s games, and no, she wasn’t about to take turns. When Elizabeth didn’t get her way, she pouted or threw fits that made her appear far less emotionally mature than her peers. Eventually, many of the friends drifted away, although she managed to retain the friendship of a shy girl who seemed content to do anything Elizabeth wanted. Terrie was happy at least one of the girls at the school understood exactly how “special” she was.

It turned out Elizabeth was an “easy kid” because Terrie gave her everything she wanted.

Stay up past bedtime? Sure. Get a new toy from Target, even though she’d already gotten two this week? Okay. Skip out on chores, again? Of course, you can focus on being a kid and your school work, and I’ll clean up.

Lax Limit-Setting + Seen as Special/Special Treatment

Terrie has adopted what we call an indulgent/permissive parent position. This is most typically identified by the parent’s outright and pervasive over-indulgence. The child is provided with most everything she wants and, in some cases, with everything money can buy. She is seen as “special,” prettier than other children, more likable than other children, more popular than other children, or put simply, just better all around. As such, she is deserving of special treatment. She doesn't need to “worry her pretty little head” about insignificant things or the duties and obligations of daily life. The child is overly valued, and the relationship is characterized by excessive caretaking and attention accompanied by limited demands.

Indulgence has important psychological consequences.

If the grandiose or inflated view of the child does not become moderated through limit setting and frustration, the child clings to the view of themselves as better than others and comes to expect special treatment in the form of effusive caring and pampering. This type of child appears to be “spoiled,” and is ultimately emotionally immature and ill-equipped to engage in the mutuality of healthy relationships.

Interestingly, parental indulgence can make children look more mature than they actually are for a while, especially when younger.

Parents may explain that their child does not tantrum much, but that seeming strength is the result of the fact that he has not been exposed to much frustration. However, as the indulged child spends more time away from the home, real-world frustrations cannot be avoided and are poorly managed. The child, who earlier appeared to be well mannered, throws tantrums, flings harsh words at friends, bursts into tears far too often, or acts aggressively toward others.

The inability to tolerate frustration is problematic throughout life. A problem with anger management is the adult embodiment of this childhood deficiency if the root problem remains unaddressed.

The Negative Impact on the Child from the Indulgent/Permissive Parenting Position =

Child Develops an Entitled Attitude and Expects Special Treatment

The critical elements in the indulgent/permissive parent position involve the parent’s view of the child as special, in the context of a lack of discipline and a general pattern of indulgence (see episode one of this blog series for more on the view of the child and the treatment of the child). The combination of this dysfunctional view of the child and this dysfunctional treatment of the child leads to a sense of entitlement. Elizabeth believes she deserves to be the one who picks the games on the playground. She believes her games are fundamentally better, and everyone else should recognize that. She has neither accepted mature limits on the self nor the realistic limits common to all healthy relationships.

Not all children respond to this pattern of indulgence as Elizabeth did. Some, like Terrie’s daughter, become extremely demanding and quite disagreeable in their insistence on getting their way, while others are less demanding of others while remaining entitled and desirous of special treatment. Both types of children present as entitled, but the latter appears better socialized and more cooperative than the other. The former latter is prone to tantrum and verbal aggression, while the latter tends to beg their parents for the things they want.

It bears repeating that the right amount of warmth along with appropriate limits will help parents like Terrie steer their child back onto a good course of development.

Indulgent-permissive parents can change.  They can find their way back to the healthy center.  They can learn to set appropriate limits, to require their child to do chores and help out, and to resist their child’s demands to get their way.

Know that I’m listening. And remember that we can all find ways to be our better selves.