The Foundation of the Five Parenting “Positions”

Parenting 101: The Foundation of the Five Parenting “Positions”

 No one goes into parenthood thinking, “I’d really like to raise a narcissist.” Unfortunately, narcissism in children is on the rise, and so are parenting styles that support narcissism.  Since we are bombarded every day with conflicting advice about how to raise a child, it’s no wonder people sometimes pick a parenting path that goes awry.

 In this six-part series on parenting and narcissism, we’ll examine the five parenting “positions” and how they affect children. But before we can dig into the details, we need to understand the foundation of parent-child interactions.

Warmth and Limit Setting

When you have hundreds of influencers all throwing parenting advice at you, how do you know what’s important, and what’s a fad? The research is in, and the two areas of parenting warrant the most attention: “warmth” and “limit setting.” Parents who focus on building a warm loving relationship with their child and setting age-appropriate limits tend to raise happier, emotionally stable kids. Both research and theory suggest that missing the mark in these two areas can run the risk of raising not-so-healthy kids.

Narcissism and the Parents’ View and Treatment of the Child

A review of newer research and theory suggests that there are additional factors involved in good parenting that can help avoid narcissistic development in the child. A number of parent behaviors and attitudes encourage narcissism in the child. To understand how this happens, it’s helpful to study two dimensions of parenting: the parent’s “view of the child” (parental attitudes and emotions) and the “parent’s treatment of the child” (parent limit-setting and involvement).  These two elements affect how warm you are with your child, and what kinds of limits you put in place. What is innovative about this analysis is that it demonstrates that both “too much” and “too little” can contribute to unhealthy development.  You can learn more about this in my forthcoming book, Childhood Narcissism:  Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children, but in this six-part blog series, I’ll give you a brief rundown of the findings.

The Parent’s “View of the Child” and “Treatment of the Child”

When it comes to a parent’s view of the child, most would have no trouble answering this question:

Can you have too negative a view of the child?

 Of course you can. On the extreme end, it’s damaging to have an overly negative view of your child. However, many parents have trouble answering this question:

Can you have too positive a view of the child? 

Strangely, yes, you can. In a way, it’s “too much of a good thing,” a parental attitude that encourages a sense of unhealthy specialness. “Special” might seem wonderful, but in practice, “special” often translates into a “better than.” “Better than” kids often have a deep-seated fear of falling from that lofty pedestal. Ironically, their “specialness” doesn’t make them happier, as they are often quite lonely—their parents reinforce constantly that they stand on the pedestal alone, the “best” one.  This sets them up to be Narcissists-to-Be (N2Bs).

The second part of my focus in this post is on the parent’s treatment of the child, which can range from too much direction or supervision to too little direction and supervision. Parents need to think about these two questions: 

Can you offer too much direction and supervision?  

Can you offer too little direction and supervision?

The answer is “yes” to all. Both “too much” and “too little” can contribute to unhealthy development.

In the next five posts, I’ll be exploring the five parenting positions, and we’ll look at how warmth and limits, (which spring from the view of the child and the treatment of the child), manifest in five discernable “parenting positions.”

Those include hovering/directive, critical/harsh, indulgent/permissive, inattentive/disengaged, and the healthy center. Until then, know that I’m listening.  And remember that parenting is a challenge and that we can all find ways to be our better selves with insight and knowledge.