Helping Preschoolers Learn to Put Feelings into Words

For this blog post, I wanted to tackle a subject near and dear to the hearts of parents of young children everywhere: Why in the world is my child screaming in the cereal aisle at Publix?

Most of us wish our preschoolers had more self-control. More importantly, many of us wonder if outbursts and tears are some sort of evidence that we’re not good parents. That’s not the case at all. Children are in the middle of a process. They are learning to regulate their feelings and express their needs in more mature ways as they grow. It takes time to become a fully functioning person, and it often comes in a stepwise—but frustratingly slow—fashion.  

Below I’m revisiting an article I wrote as a handout for parents of preschoolers. I hope it reassures you that emotional regulation improves with time and that understanding can help parents stay calm in the moment. 

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Learning self-control is one of the primary tasks of the preschool and early school years. Discovering how to put feelings into words is one way in which this is done. If children do not have the skill to put feelings into words, they will not be able to function effectively in class. In fact, children must have some degree of self-control before they can benefit from other kinds of stimulation.

• Putting feelings into words seems on the surface to be a simple, straightforward process. It is not. Instead, it is a complex process that involves a considerable amount of self-knowledge, insight, and self-control.

• There are a number of stages as the child moves from the intense, typically unacceptable expression of feelings, through more moderately acceptable expression of feelings, to the appropriate verbalization of feelings. In our society, only the final stage is satisfactory for adults and children. If you watch children carefully, you can see this process unfold.

Phase 1: Feelings Come out Straight Away and with Gusto

Infants and toddlers typically let you know about their frustrations, sadness, and excitement in direct, intense, and obvious forms.  The two-year-old shrieks with delight when he sees his birthday cake from across the room in a restaurant. The toddler throws herself on the floor when her toy dog is put on a high shelf after she hits her brother with it. The fact that adults are uncomfortable with such raw displays of emotion is evident in the frequency with which parents are observed to lower their heads and sheepishly slip out of the restaurant or grocery store after their children “act up.”

Phase 2: Feelings Come Out after a While and with Less Intensity

Preschoolers often delay their responses for just a moment. If one child is hit by another child, the first child may pause, reflect for a moment, and then retaliate in a similar manner. If a child's favorite toy has been taken away, she may stand for a moment, look at you, stomp her feet, and then burst into tears. Although this behavior is still not socially acceptable, that moment of control before the emotions overflow is an improvement over the earlier phase.

Phase 3: Feelings Come Out in Unacceptable Words

Preschoolers have unique ways of communicating their frustrations and feelings once they can use words. Kids sometimes say the strongest words they know, ranging from “You're stupid” to “I hate you.” At other times, they use phrases whose meanings they do not know, but they think are intense, for example, “I'm serious” and “Oh, no, you don't.”

Phase 4: Feelings Come Out in Descriptive and Acceptable Words

Children in this phase can often tell you about their feelings. They will say “I'm mad,” or “It's not fair,” or “Jenny shouldn't do that.” Such statements indicate a higher level of self-control and increased awareness and insight. 

If you recognize that self-control is an involved process, you can help your child progress through the stages. Know that children typically work through each consecutive phase without skipping any. Also know that children may act younger than expected if they are under stress.

 Here are some suggestions for helping children through this process:

• Label feelings whenever you see them. Take opportunities to talk to children about feelings. When you see a child crying at the park, comment, “Look, she's crying. She must be sad about something.”

•  Expand the feelings vocabulary. Use words that express graduations of feelings. For example, there are many levels of anger. A child may be furious, angry, unhappy, or merely upset. Help your child find the right word to express the intensity of the feeling.

• Inquire about feelings. Once you have pointed out a feeling, ask the child, “What do you do when you’re sad? Do you cry? Do you go to your room?”

• Discuss appropriate and inappropriate ways to deal with feelings. When concerned about a conflict situation, tell your child, “I know that you are mad that Kevin took your shovel. What kinds of things can you do? You could take back the shovel, but what else might you do? Could you ask the teacher for help? Could you get another shovel?”

• Encourage the child to use words instead of actions to express feelings. When dealing with a problem, you may say, “That's right. Lacey hit you. But maybe you could tell her how you feel about that. Put your feelings into words.” Parents need to acknowledge children's feelings while guiding them toward more mature behavior.

• Encourage problem solving with words, not actions. Inquire, “Now that you've told her how you feel, what can you do to solve the problem? Can you talk to her? Can you work out a plan using words?”

Remember that there are no right or wrong feelings and that you should never try to talk children out of their emotions. Rather, you must accept the child's feelings whether or not you like them. The process of learning self-control is crucial. Do not assume that children will automatically and easily know how to control themselves. Rather, try to teach them as they develop. If you do so, it will make growing up easier for children and those who love them.