Why Narcissists Can be Hard to Spot

The 6 differing types that can make detection difficult

It would seem narcissists are all the same. But real life doesn’t bear that out.

“Oh, Janie’s such a narcissist.”

“How can that be? She doesn’t do anything I’d expect from a total narcissist like my cousin, Danny.”

“I agree. Janie’s nothing like Danny.”

“Can they both be narcissists?” 

Although all narcissists have the same foundational deficiencies, they can have vastly different presentations. Expecting them to all present like carbon copies of Gordon Gecko can make it difficult to recognize the narcissists who don’t fit the stereotype. Since many narcissists are very good at making others doubt themselves, this lack of clarity identifying narcissism in friends and family members can ultimately cause people a great deal of pain.

Source: Unsplash / Engin-Akyurt

From a clinical perspective, narcissists fall into two different types, whether the subject is an adult narcissist with a full-blown condition or a child with narcissistic tendencies and traits, also called a “narcissist to be” (N2B).

Two Broad Types of Narcissists

The general consensus in the psychological community puts narcissists into two broad camps: The vulnerable narcissist, and the grandiose narcissist.

• The vulnerable narcissist presents as more anxious and is often high achieving, typically flying under the radar.

• The grandiose narcissist tends to be more flamboyant, charismatic, controlling and manipulative. They can be popular and perceived to be a leader.

On the outside, a vulnerable narcissist looks quite different from a grandiose narcissist.  Many lay people find it hard to believe that the more nerdy, perfectionistic, high-achieving valedictorian has the same interior psychological structure as the popular football captain who can be manipulative, controlling, and prone to bullying. A newer research-generated model of narcissism regards grandiose and vulnerable narcissism as two related but separate types. Both share the core features of self-importance, entitlement, and being disagreeable, but differ on the characteristics that dominate.

Subtypes of Narcissists

In my clinical work, I noted a variety of subtypes within the two styles. Those subgroups present with different exteriors, but all shared the same underlying deficits in self-concept and self-esteem. All have the same problems developing healthy interpersonal relationships.

The High-Achieving Narcissist (coping with narcissistic vulnerability through winning)

High-achieving narcissists cope with their narcissistic vulnerability through exceptional performance. They must be the best, or practically perfect in every way. The effort they put into achievement often has a maniacal quality. They work harder, because they must perform and be better than everyone else. Areas of exceptionality vary, but as children, this type of narcissist makes straight A's or could be the teacher’s pet. They write perfect essays, win the science fair, or play the lead in the school play. As adults, they can be the CEO of a company or the managing partner at a prestigious law firm. High-achieving narcissists are often difficult to diagnose, as their perfectionistic performance tends to mask any underlying deficiencies or distress.

It is important to emphasize that the diagnosis of a high-achieving narcissist is not based on their exceptional performance, but rather on what drives the need to achieve. If their self-esteem is intact, and they achieve out of passion or intense interest (not a need for external validation), they are not narcissists.

Source: Unsplash / Rene Porter

The Non-Achieving Narcissist (coping with narcissistic vulnerability and fear of failure through avoidance)

Non-achieving narcissists are the children and adults who value recognition and attention but have been unable to achieve commensurate with those desires. Frustrated and hurt by their underachievement, they cope through avoidance. Some withdraw from the competition and display a kind of “don’t care” attitude. Others will act out in maladaptive ways, trying to get attention through misbehavior or risk taking. All have given up on the idea that they can succeed in a way that wins recognition and positive regard.

The Bully Narcissist (coping with narcissistic vulnerability and values through unchecked aggression)

Bully narcissists have an underlying “mean streak” that they exercise in controlling others. They can mistreat others socially, through exclusion and ridicule, and through covert or overt acts of aggression. Some are the queen bees or top dogs in a variety of social groups or ambitious executives at the office. They often mediate inclusion and exclusion in social groups without regard for fairness or honor, with a concern only for their own power. Often charismatic and likable, their flaws are difficult to see, much less acknowledge. As their social skills are strong, their misbehavior is hard to catch. Many cannot sort through their active deception. It is not uncommon for someone to say, “You can’t mean Jason; he’s the most popular guy at work.”

The Daredevil Narcissist (coping with narcissistic vulnerability through unchecked grandiosity)

Daredevil narcissists are youngsters or adults whose grandiosity has not been softened through the years. In the school-aged years, their grandiosity can be seen in eye-catching clothes or schoolyard feats like riding a bike alarmingly fast down a steep hill. When older, they can engage in dangerous behaviors that range from drug or alcohol abuse to dangerous driving and sexual promiscuity. Lack of good judgment is their fatal flaw. Their taste for danger is significantly intensified if in leadership positions, as their deficient judgment can encourage other children or adults to take risks that they would otherwise not take.

Source: Unsplash / Marco Bianchetti

The Closet Narcissist (coping with narcissistic vulnerability through association with a narcissist)

Closet narcissists do not look like narcissists at all. Aware of their narcissistic vulnerability, they cope by aligning with a powerful narcissistic friend, classmate, or colleague, basking in the reflected glory they experience from the relationship. They seek their narcissistic supplies by association. They are content with attaching to an exhibitionistic or achieving narcissist who has high social value. They are often compliant and ingratiating, working to find a place near the throne of their popular high-status peer, and content to be near a person of talent and power. In a sense, they are a narcissist by proxy.

The Manipulative Narcissist (coping with narcissistic vulnerability through the exercise of power – getting one’s way)

The manipulative narcissist is intent on getting their way. He or she uses others to achieve their goals, often without regard for their feelings. Their self-validation comes through power and the ability to control other people and the environment. Some manipulative narcissists are talented leaders who can influence groups to reach higher, more expansive goals, and often seek and hold political or other high-status positions. In childhood, some may earn a place on the student council or are elected captain of a team. Others have an antisocial component, which means they tend to be dishonest or live outside the rules.

Many manipulative narcissists come from families of wealth, prestige, and power. Such children and adults can be particularly hard to keep in check due to the extent of their power. What headmaster wants to risk the gift of a new football stadium to side against a child narcissist-to-be, or which wealth manager wants to risk offending his wealthiest client or executor of a huge trust?

While most narcissists present as one of these narcissistic types, there are some people who evidence aspects of more than one subtype.

Regardless of the type, narcissism is rooted in a faulty self-concept, which, in turn, leads to problems in relationships.

It is important to realize that not all narcissists present in the same manner or have a similar style. The variety of types makes identification difficult and increases the likelihood that the unsuspecting but involved partner or colleague is more vulnerable to being hurt.

Regardless of their “look,” remember that all narcissists suffer from a faulty self-concept and accompanying self-esteem issues. The resulting narcissistic vulnerability forces maladaptive coping. That maladaptive coping makes establishing a stable relationship with them problematic from the get-go. All narcissists have unhealthy models for love and relationships, and this fact presents a real risk to those who become closely involved with them by choice or happenstance.

If you would like more information about psychology and narcissism, please follow me on Instagram, and don’t forget to check out my book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children.