The Parenting Position that Avoids Narcissism and Grows Healthy Children

The Healthy Center: Parenting from the “Middle Ground”

Through 1) Attitudes and Emotions and 2) Limit-Setting and Involvement 

In my six-part blog series, we’ve looked at a lot of the ways well-meaning parents can go wrong. But how do you do it right? Do you have to read every parenting book? Spend twenty-four hours a day with your child? Co-sleep? Not co-sleep? What’s the secret!?

In my new book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children, I identify the middle ground as the key concept. Moderation has long been celebrated by philosophers and theologians as a good thing for the human race. Even so, many of us still seek the outer edges of experience, the pleasures of “too much,” or almost monastic discipline of “too little.” Those edges make us feel different, perhaps even extraordinary. However, these pursuits rarely end in happiness, and the extremes definitely don’t turn out great parenting practices. When raising a healthy human being, it turns out the old adage, “all things in moderation,” is the key.

Parents need to throw out that quest for perfection and embrace becoming a “good enough” parent. To understand this, let’s look again at the parent’s “view of the child” and their “treatment of the child.” 

View and Treatment of the Child 

Parents who see their child as good enough and loveable as they are (the “view of the child”) end up giving their child a little more grace and patience (the “treatment of the child"). They create a home environment marked by appropriate rules and structure. They establish discipline that is steady and predictable. They enforce consequences with kindness and patient explanation. Such parents require age-appropriate levels of independence, and provide sufficient frustration, while also showing the right amount of attention and affection. The resulting relationship between parent and child is secure and trusting. The position is described as the “healthy center.”

For example, a parent who exists in the healthy center doesn’t expect extraordinary patience from their six-year-old when they’ve spied their favorite toy at Target. Perhaps little Timmy even threw a bit of a fit, lusting after the latest Star Wars Kylo Ren action figure, which required a trip to the parking lot for a cool down. This parent didn’t rush to buy the toy to quiet their child (indulgent/permissive parenting position) and also didn’t tell Timmy that after such a tantrum, he will never have a Kylo Ren toy in his playroom EVER (harsh/critical parenting position). Instead, this parent, who exists in the “good enough” area of parenting, made Timmy wait two months until his birthday, and when Timmy ripped open his present, he found waiting for him something waiting for him.

The Positive Impact on the Child from the “Healthy Center” Parenting Position =

Child Develops a Healthy Sense of Self and Positive Model of Love and Relationships

 “Healthy center” parenting builds a foundation of health and happiness in the child in many ways. It helps grow healthy structures, including the ability to self-regulate, a healthy sense of self, accurate perception, and reasonable expectations for relationships.  Over the course of a childhood, such rearing helps build essential psychological strengths and abilities. Such children have an accurate and realistic model of the “self,” rather than the “most special kid in the world” image or the “biggest disappointment to daddy” issues.  These kids have positive self-esteem and general self-confidence.  They can tolerate frustration and disappointment with steadiness and calm, regulating emotions with self-control. These children are mature thinkers who understand nuance and are unaffected by emotional bias. They take in and process information well, paying attention to facts and evidence. In other words, this kid has a good head on her shoulders.

 Most importantly, children who experienced “moderation” parenting develop a healthy model of love and relationships. They respect the norms of social interaction and get along with others. They know how to trust, and they understand that people are predictable and can be relied upon. What we’re talking about is the essence of healthy emotional development—a happy, competent kid.

When trying to figure out what kind of parent to be and to make modifications as you see fit, it’s important to know that your child needs understanding, acceptance, and the ongoing sense of being loved as they are.

Children should never get the impression that you would love them more if their fourth-place showing at the school’s art show was a first-place medal.  And if you do actually love your child more because they excel, it might be time for some self-reflection and perhaps some therapy. Real love is not conditional.

In addition to all this, children need limits. Limit setting, in various forms, provides frustration that is essential for the growing child to mature, providing the nourishment that helps the personality grow by learning to handle a world that does not always accommodate.

Know that I’m listening as you continue your journey into parenthood.  And remember  that warmth and unconditional love, paired with healthy limits, help your child feel seen, heard, and loved for who they are, not what they do. 

Mary Ann Little, Ph.D.

Clinical Psychologist

Author: Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children

Publication Date: November 11, 2023, Rowman and Littlefield Publishers