Are You a Helicopter Parent?
Overparenting can keep your child from experiencing age-appropriate struggle. Daigu-Ellaby / Unspash
Take the quiz to find out!
Over-parenting, also known as being a helicopter parent, is detrimental for children.
Educators and psychologists have used a variety of images to describe this parenting practice including the helicopter parent, hovering parent, snowplow parent, all of which underscore the excessive closeness, protection, and/or control of this sort of parenting. More academic types describe such behavior as intrusive, controlling, or directive. Regardless of its title or descriptor, over-involved parenting is not a benefit developmentally—at any stage of child rearing.
Before explaining the reasons why it’s problematic, it's worth figuring out if you might be “hovering” yourself.
Answer ‘Yes” or “No” to the following 12 questions.
Do you pay excessive attention to your child's every move and experience?
Do you constantly instruct your child on what to say and do?
Do you have trouble letting go of your child?
Are you overly protective?
Do you quickly intervene if your child has problems with peers, teachers, or coaches?
Are you overly involved in your child's daily life?
Are you actively engaged in your own activities and passions when away from your child?
Are you happy in your own life away from your child—in your marriage, career, friendships, and extended family?
Do you demand that your child “achieve” in sports, school, extracurricular activities, or socially?
Will you be upset if your child does not meet your standards for achievement or success?
Do you have very high expectations for your child generally?
Do you monitor your child's behavior and activities obsessively?
If you answered “yes” to the majority of these questions, then you might be a helicopter parent. If so, it is probably a good idea to rethink your parenting posture and consider making changes in how you interact with your child.
Sai-De-Silva / Unsplash
The Results of Over-Parenting
There are both benefits and risks associated with too much engagement. Of course, the appropriate level of involvement with your child is often difficult to know. Let’s see what the results of over-parenting looks like.
Children of overly involved parents often do well academically, and many such children are recognized early on for specific talents or skills. Johnny, who receives two hours of tutoring from his mother every afternoon, masters his math facts quicker than his peers. Jodie has never forgotten to turn a library book—her father sits down every morning with her to check every item in her backpack and in her planner. This has earned her “stars” from teachers. These are positive outcomes, for sure, but at what cost?
Overly involved parenting is also associated with a number of negative outcomes:
Low self-confidence
Deficient self-esteem and accompanying insecurity
An attitude of entitlement
Low self-concept
Less than ideal independence
Over-reliance on adults and adult direction
Emotional immaturity
Poor coping skills (difficulties dealing with failure and disappointment)
Hostility toward parents over their efforts to control
These negative qualities in a child can certainly be problematic and can feed on themselves going forward. Susan struggles with independent tasks and test anxiety, so her mother’s solution is to oversee every aspect of her homework, often sitting with her in the library after school for hours. The child’s anxiety worsens to the point that the idea of receiving a B on an assignment sends her into a panic, and she expresses to the teacher that her mother “will kill her” if she brings that paper home. Jorge’s father encourages his son to be his best on the lacrosse field, so he hires private athletic coaches for him and frequently tells him stories of famous athletes. At an important game, Jorge chokes on the field, and his father stands dumbstruck in the audience, wondering where he went wrong.
Ironically, helicopter parents often prevent the development of the very skills they want to develop (the emotional “toughness” and drive that helps a child achieve). Over-management often has a ripple effect in academics and athletics.
Developmental Risks with Over-Parenting
The simple fact of excessive engagement (over-involvement, monitoring, instruction, evaluation, coaching, or protection, among others) interferes with the child's ability to develop basic skills. These developmental accomplishments are broadly influential and occur in a number of key areas. All are essential life skills. Specifically, over-parenting interferes with the development of underlying psychological abilities underpinning:
impulse control
independence
social relationships
competence
self-esteem
self-reliance
In a sense, over-parenting results in short-term achievements, frequently evidenced in early success and recognition for specific gains in childhood. Such accomplishments are typically considered worthy of pride and are often highly valued by parents as recognition of their parenting prowess without an awareness of long-term consequences.
For example, excessive parental intervention may make Bobby’s mastery of early social skills impressive, but that overly controlling parenting behavior may interfere with his later ability to manage his emotions and behavior. Research confirms that children raised by hovering parents may be less able to deal with the challenging demands of growing up. Struggling to regulate their emotions and behavior effectively, such children have a harder time making friends, struggle in school, and are more likely to be disruptive in the classroom. Giving children the opportunities to learn to manage emotions and behavior is critical and is better done sooner rather than later. Clearly, limiting those opportunities comes at an increasing developmental cost.
Finding the Right Balance in Involvement, Assistance, Direction, and Protection
It is important for parents to understand how over-parenting interferes with healthy child development, given the common parental belief that parental involvement is generally good for the child. This is true in a global sense, since it is good for children to feel loved, to be encouraged, and to experience support. However, too much of a good thing can often be a negative influence.
The mechanics of parenting involve differing roles all of which can be problematic if either over- or under-done:
Nurturing = meeting the child's physical and emotional needs
Educating = teaching the child needed skills, abilities, and competencies
Disciplining = limiting and modifying a child's behavior through structure and rules
Supporting = assisting and helping the child’s development
Protecting = ensuring the child’s safety
While the intentions and actions seen in “hovering,” “helicoptering,” and “snowplowing” are fundamentally valuable, it is the over-doing of each that is problematic. Parents must work to find the right balance in terms of involvement (i.e., engagement), assistance (i.e., helping), direction (i.e., instruction), and protection (i.e., insuring safety). It is the degree or “dose” that must be considered, and it is always difficult to know for certain. However, over-involved parents can be confident that “too much” of a good thing can actually be harmful.
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